MIKAILA, 70 LBS LOST (AND COUNTING)

I knew deep down that it wasn’t healthy. I knew that the feelings of euphoria would soon turn to disgust, shame and self-hatred.  I could even see the cycle that I’d go through every time those feelings would arise; 1) Trigger (typically stress,), then comes 2) the urge to eat an extreme amount of food, followed by 3) eating anything and everything I could get my hands on and lastly, 4) feel so utterly ashamed that I’d restrict food for days at a time. 

For me binge eating was a way to take control because the emotional abuse that I dealt with from my dad was unbearable at times. I knew that it was the alcohol speaking, but I took the things he said to me and wore them around my neck. I felt that I had no control, and maybe “everyone’s dad treated them this way” and I needed to get over this and “be strong”. So I used binge eating to cope. Something I could do for myself to escape my reality. The constant chaos that surrounded my family life left me feeling numb, hollow, and scared. I had zero self worth because when I looked in the mirror all I felt was anger. I’d say things in the mirror like “I hate you” “You suck” “Just please stop eating”. The person that stared back was screaming for help, but my support system wasn’t a typical one. 

The older I got the worse the binge eating/restriction got and I found that by high school my weight had gotten out of control. I hated myself for letting it get that far. I hated that I let someone’s words feel like a vice around my mind infiltrating my thoughts. I wasn’t controlling the addiction it was controlling me. I was at the mercy of my fluctuating emotional state and depending on it I may consume an immeasurable amount of food or punish myself by not eating for multiple days in a row.

It became my drug of choice and I firmly believe that had it been a chemical one it would have taken my life. Depending on where my mindset was I’d eat a whole pizza, bags of chips, ice cream, fried chicken, and candy etc. up to a couple times a day up to four days a week to restricting food for just as long. Since I’ve never been a sharer I’d do this all in secret always trying to cover up my tracks so as to make sure that no one ever found out. 

I remember walking into rooms and sizing people up hoping to not be the biggest person in the room, and if I was lucky there was a bigger person in the room and I could think “ HA! At least I’m not as fat as them”. I wouldn’t go shopping with my friends because I wore XXL and they were a size 6.  I’ve been called “big boned” and told that “I’d simply grow out of it” (it being overweight) but it never came and before I knew it by the age of 22 I was 270 pounds.

I felt like a liar and a fraud when I’d tell my athletic trainer in college that I was following his plan for me to lose weight, but deep down I knew how much food I had put into my body that weekend. You see I thought that I was cheating the system. If I overeat I’ll just limit the calories following a “fun weekend with friends” all the while knowing that it was me binge eating following some sort of emotional stress. I was naturally a hard worker so I’d hit the gym on a Sunday after a track meet to “make up for it”, then I’d have the audacity to complain that I wasn’t loosing weight. So I’d go back to eating whatever I wanted cause his “diet” wasn’t working yet again. I cannot count the times I would try a diet just to have it disrupted by binge eating.  When I’d get injured or with one of my three concussions I’d turn to food to be my comforter and to guide me back to a place where I loved myself, where I felt whole again. Euphoric. 

I judged myself on my appearance, so how could I expect people to see past that? I felt like I had a handle on it by myself. Involving any outside person became terrifying and would stress me out so much that I would go and binge! I was afraid that I would lose friends and that my family would be let down. I became “strong” because inside I felt to ill-equipped and scared, it was just an act. I worked hard to appear that way and when people told me that I was “ loyal, strong and funny”. All I felt was that I was more loyal to them then myself cause I hated myself, I looked strong but I was living day to day hoping not to be crushed, and that my sense of humor was covering a deep wound that wasn’t being attended to. 

I though that this eating disorder would die when I did. But God had other plans for my life.  We aren’t meant to do life alone and to hold our own burdens and only share the “pretty parts”. I had never trusted anyone with this and no matter how bad I wanted to I couldn’t make the words audible. 

One day a person asked the right question that has changed the course of my life. I came to a place with someone that I could trust with the messiest part of my soul. I was at a breaking point in August of 2016 and had been binge eating quite frequently and also saying that I had no clue why I wasn’t loosing weight.  My best friend/former/current roommate Meghan had been helping me for a couple years when it came to macros and my overall programming. So when I lied to her it stung even more because she was now invested in my progress but I was self-sabotaging.

I can remember exactly where I was standing when she texted me that question, “ Mikaila, do you have an eating disorder?’ My stomach flipped. How could she know? I had done such a great job at hiding it, hadn’t I? I then got defensive because admitting to her that yes I did was utterly terrifying. But then before I knew it I said “yes”. 

The conversation that followed we talked in depth about my struggles. Never once did she rush me or tell me that I let her down or ever make me feel like our friendship had changed. All the fears that I associated with this conversation dissipated. I felt so freed to be able to talk to someone about it. I could stop hiding the pieces of me that I thought was untouchable. She loved me beyond my scars and has been a steadfast rock throughout my physical, and emotional, transformation. 

It’s been about six months since I have binged or restricted. I can say its an urge that I still fight just less frequent because I can talk openly about how I am feeling. I am learning how to love myself through a whole new lens and appreciate my beauty along with my scars. That there is more to Mikaila then physical appearance and that she is worth being loved and accepted for who she is in this moment. I will continue to evolve and grow as someone who has had an eating disorder but no longer lets it control her.

Meghan not only educated me on what food and exercise can do for me for physical transformation, but has helped me change my entire mindset and relationship with myself as a person.  Without her constant support I would not be where I am today. Thank you, Meghan, for stepping into my mess and not shying away from my struggles. For believing in me when I couldn’t. For being like my sister and loving me.